Once upon a time, there was a red headed princess named Diana. No, she wasn't the one who married Prince Charles and had gorgeous blond boys. She was the 5'5ft tall princess who reigned over the realm of Cudahy. As far as kingdoms go, it clearly wasn't the best but she made do with what she had. Diana was the typical redhead. She was fiery, angry, and abusive. If you were in her favor, though, she was the biggest sweetheart you'd ever meet. What made her truly different, was that she ruled alone. She slept alone. She ate alone. She was always alone. To the perplexity of her peasants, she was as happy as a clam. That's really happy, for those of you who don't know the emotions of specific sea creatures.
One day, a somewhat scrawny knight from the bordering kingdom of Greendale decided he would bless fair Diana by making an appearance and offering his hand in marriage. This knight was called by the name Kevin. Kevin was a bit full of himself because his kingdom was cleaner, nicer, and offered more AP courses. He just rolled into Cudahy and went straight up to Diana's court. He ignored the whispers and scoffs from Diana's ladies and barged into Diana's chamber.
He found her laying on a hammock getting fed grapes by a gorgeous tan manservant. He quickly dismissed him for he needed no other audience except her to make his proposal. There was no doubt in his mind that she would accept. He had all the wenches' attention. He considered himself a great catch and Diana was the lucky one who was going to be there to catch him...or so he thought. "Diana my darling. My fair red headed beauty. We should get married, dude. You like me. I'm okay with it. Let's just do this, babe." He kneeled down on his one bony knee and waited for the waterworks.
And waited some more...
And some more...
Finally, he heard chuckling. The chuckling turned into giggling. The giggling erupted into full blown laughter that continued for a while. Kevin was stunned. He hadn't expected such a response. He didn't know how to react to this now and he was having a sensory overload. He looked up at Diana with big pleading eyes questioning her motive. She got up from her hammock and stepped over to him.
"I'm surprised you could fit into my door with that enormous head of yours...dude. Honestly Kevin, thank you so much for offering to marry me. I'm sooooo lucky. You're so perfect. You play volleyball, you ride your horse well, and you have dimples. It's everything I've ever wanted?"
"Then whats the problem?" Kevin questioned earnestly.
"Well besides your complete lack to detect sarcasm, I find you ...well...a bit repulsive. You play volleyball Kevin. Good for you. You have dimples. I have a cute rabbit nose. I win. You come from Greendale. I don't care. I just can't do a three way relationship between me you and your ginormous ego. Excuse me while I go throw up in the corner."
Kevin began to get teary eyed. No one had ever spoken to him like that ever before. Suddenly his tights felt too tight, the room too hot, and his throat was dry. He didn't know what to do. The room seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. He began to panic. All of a sudden, he pulled out the last move in his bag of tricks. He began to sing.
That's when Princess Diana did something that wasn't so lady like. She slapped him and told him to get himself together. Then, she kicked him out of her quarters and her kingdom. Stories have been told that since then, Kevin has been seen wandering naked with Eagle Scouts through the wilderness. Others say he married some big chinned troll. They are all rumors, of course. One thing is for sure though. Diana is still a redhead. (She might not always be alone, though. That's subject to change.)
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